Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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