i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
