Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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