i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
