Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Reggie can tackle my bush.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
