history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
