Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Im part way to drunk.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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