Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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