If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
