I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
