That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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