Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
