hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
