His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
