If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
only you would photoshop your dick
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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