i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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