Your mouth is God's brothel.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism