i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
two words...techno handjob
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.