I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
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Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
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Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.