I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
your like the ambassador to my penis.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
