We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
