Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
