Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Randomize
