I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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