A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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