the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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