The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
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You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
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Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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