I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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