So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Blood and glitter go together right?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
