Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
