At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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