god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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