Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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