listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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