addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
