they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
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I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
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Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
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