I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
