I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
