i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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