i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
