No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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