just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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