I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
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