i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
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We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
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What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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