How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I need a burrito and a hug.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
