Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
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She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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