Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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