Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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