i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
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I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
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Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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