I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo