I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me