So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
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My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
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I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family