I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
