you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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