i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
