Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
