im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
