I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
