I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
