How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
