I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I could fuck to npr.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
