You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
