If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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